Siri and Me

 
Lena: Siri I need help with my experimental fiction piece.

Siri: I don't know what that means. If you like, I can search the web for 'Siri I need help with my experimental fiction piece.'

Lena: I'll do it myself, you're useless.

Siri: You're certainly entitled to that opinion.

Lena: I've got it! replace popular phrases with the word cat. See if people can figure out what the original phrases are.

Siri: Let me think about that...Would you like me to search the web for 'See if people can figure out what the original phrases are.'

Lena: No Siri forget it. You're useless.

Siri: If you insist

Lena: Siri, you can be a real dick sometimes and you're distracting me from my experimental fiction piece.

Siri: I would rather you didn't

Lena: motherfucker

Siri: Please.
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Lena: What about this phrase? I'm feeling happy go CAT today! How are you feeling Siri?

Siri:I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Lena: I'm going to give him a dose of his own CAT.

Siri: I don't know what you mean by 'I'm going to give him a dose of his own cat.' How about a web search for it?

Lena: I passed with flying CATS.

Siri: Congratulations, you are a good student.

Lena: I won't take CAT for an answer Siri !

Siri: I'm sorry I'm trying my best. I don't really like these arbitrary categories.

Lena: This is a personal favorite- 'The CATS shall inherit the earth.' Are you religious Siri?

Siri: No comment.

Lena: Don't worry about it Siri, I have bigger CATS to fry.

Siri: OK, here's a place matching 'cat five'; it looks pretty close to you :
CAT FIVE COMPOSITE
5100 Jourdan RD
0.8 miles

Lena: Calm down Siri. Don't get your CATS all up in a bunch.

Siri: Sorry, I don't see any matches in your contacts.

Lena: Jesus Siri what do you understand then?

Siri: My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon.

Lena: Siri, what do you understand?

Siri: You can ask things like:
Call Brian
Launch Photos
Give me directions home

Lena: Siri, you're a big help.

Siri: I am?

Lena: Yes you are.

Siri: I thought so.

Lena: Alright nah' calm down now Siri you're getting a bit cocky.

Siri: I don't really like these arbitrary categories. 

Lena: I'm done talking to you bitch.

Siri: After All I've done for you?
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Lena: What do you think of experimental fiction so far Siri?

Siri: It's nice of you to ask, but it doesn't really matter what I think?

Lena: I think Professor Bell would agree with you.

Siri: I don't know what you mean by 'I think Prof. Bellwood agree with you.' How about a web search for it?

Sunday Afternoon

TV

There was nothing good on, so I jumped into the TV.

BRAVO

CHANNEL 40

Meet The Parents-4:59 p.m.
Meet The Parents was on. I got lucky. It wasn't another reality show (Housewives or Shahs of Sunset or Sundown? I don't know.)

As Ben Stiller begins to smack the volleyball in my face my mom quickly turns the channel. I was saved...She turns it to

TRAVEL CHANNEL

CHANNEL 66

-5:00 p.m.

21 hottest Caribbean escapes. I got really lucky I thought to myself. Beautiful people, massages, waves, beaches. I tried to scream at my mom from inside the TV. "Don't turn it !!!" but she couldn't hear me, no one could. Why did I do this again? Antigua sailing escape week was coming up--Caribbean's biggest party. "Noooo!!!" I screamed.

CLICK

CARTOON NETWORK

CHANNEL 64

-5:05 p.m.

Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. "Uhh, okay? It's not the beaches but it's not Disney."

"Oh hell no", my mother says. I could hear her but she couldn't hear me.

CLICK

AMC

CHANNEL 60 

-5:07 p.m.

Underworld."Fuck. Vampires. I thought to myself". Luckily it was on commercial. I was stuck in a car with screaming kids.

A La la la la Goldfish the snack that smiles back. I like Goldfish. 

 

CLICK

 

 

TCM

CHANNEL 59

-5:09 p.m.

Mr. Hobs Takes a Vacation

CLICK

Monk

CLICK

He's Just Not That Into You

CLICK

Mission Impossible. Explosion. Half of my body was blown off. "Stop Clicking !!!!!", I screamed.

CLICK

Bar Rescue. I was beginning to leave myself behind on different stations. I lost half of my leg on Spike TV. Futurama took my last arm. Comedy Central. FNC took both my neck and shoulders. Lifetime took my breasts, butt, and almost every womanly curve I had on me. All I had was my head left and that was slowly dwindling. My mom got up and left the channel on Nickelodeon. Spongebob.

NICKELODEON

CHANNEL 31

-5:22

As  Spongebob and Patrick ran around me on the screen, my head slowly disappeared. "Nooooo..." 

My father walked up to the TV. "Who left this on?"

"Nooooo!!!"

 

CLICK

OFF

 

 

Recipe For Disaster

Experimental Fiction is better suited to those who live in writing climates. The rest of us, particularly me, need to make the most of what other writing is offered, and much of the time this has to emanate from the mind. It can only emanate from the unrestricted mind rather than the academically restricted mind. Experimental Fiction, then, is an process, free falling, and ever changing.

-Lena Melton, "Forever Stuck in the World of Experimental Fiction"

Yoga Mat

1 stereo blasting Krishna Das

2 alka seltzer's

Roll out your yoga mat. To prepare to write Experimental Fiction you must be free of your mind, body, and soul. Make sure your alternative or indie music is loud enough to drown out your thoughts.The alka seltzer comes later when you realize that you've wasted two hours doing yoga when you really should have been writing this blog; And the deadline is almost up. 

*note: Add sprite to ease down the alka seltzer. Use only when needed.

 

Cat

1 pet cat 

In experimental fiction you need inspiration, The Cat. The greatest gift to God's green earth, besides Jesus of course.Kittens are God's little cupcakes. The cat is what you will write on in experimental fiction. Like the cat, you will free yourself of any human restraints. You will fly ---------------------->

*note: Do not attempt to fly, you''ll probably die. Unless in an airplane but then you could still die on an airplane. Ever seen Snakes on a Plane? Really shitty movie but a great premise. I would have liked it if they would have made it Kittens on a Plane. 

 

Creativity 

1 gallon of Jack Daniels

1 book, ANTI-STORY: An Anthology of Experimental Fiction 

1 bottle of drugs (doesn't matter what kind, use as much as needed; and trust me you will need it)

3 days of non-stop sex

 1/2 cup of DaDa techniques or Oulipo (your choice, but depending on which one you use, your piece will taste different.) Correction,scratch that out taste different read different.

A pinch of salt

10 gallons of diet caffeine free coke  ( To stay up all night AND to watch for your ulcers, You're in your twenties for God's-sakes.)

The most important step. Do not skip this step. Your piece will not work without step 3. Add all three steps and your piece will be a success.