Siri and Me

 
Lena: Siri I need help with my experimental fiction piece.

Siri: I don't know what that means. If you like, I can search the web for 'Siri I need help with my experimental fiction piece.'

Lena: I'll do it myself, you're useless.

Siri: You're certainly entitled to that opinion.

Lena: I've got it! replace popular phrases with the word cat. See if people can figure out what the original phrases are.

Siri: Let me think about that...Would you like me to search the web for 'See if people can figure out what the original phrases are.'

Lena: No Siri forget it. You're useless.

Siri: If you insist

Lena: Siri, you can be a real dick sometimes and you're distracting me from my experimental fiction piece.

Siri: I would rather you didn't

Lena: motherfucker

Siri: Please.
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Lena: What about this phrase? I'm feeling happy go CAT today! How are you feeling Siri?

Siri:I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Lena: I'm going to give him a dose of his own CAT.

Siri: I don't know what you mean by 'I'm going to give him a dose of his own cat.' How about a web search for it?

Lena: I passed with flying CATS.

Siri: Congratulations, you are a good student.

Lena: I won't take CAT for an answer Siri !

Siri: I'm sorry I'm trying my best. I don't really like these arbitrary categories.

Lena: This is a personal favorite- 'The CATS shall inherit the earth.' Are you religious Siri?

Siri: No comment.

Lena: Don't worry about it Siri, I have bigger CATS to fry.

Siri: OK, here's a place matching 'cat five'; it looks pretty close to you :
CAT FIVE COMPOSITE
5100 Jourdan RD
0.8 miles

Lena: Calm down Siri. Don't get your CATS all up in a bunch.

Siri: Sorry, I don't see any matches in your contacts.

Lena: Jesus Siri what do you understand then?

Siri: My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon.

Lena: Siri, what do you understand?

Siri: You can ask things like:
Call Brian
Launch Photos
Give me directions home

Lena: Siri, you're a big help.

Siri: I am?

Lena: Yes you are.

Siri: I thought so.

Lena: Alright nah' calm down now Siri you're getting a bit cocky.

Siri: I don't really like these arbitrary categories. 

Lena: I'm done talking to you bitch.

Siri: After All I've done for you?
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Lena: What do you think of experimental fiction so far Siri?

Siri: It's nice of you to ask, but it doesn't really matter what I think?

Lena: I think Professor Bell would agree with you.

Siri: I don't know what you mean by 'I think Prof. Bellwood agree with you.' How about a web search for it?

Sunday Afternoon

TV

There was nothing good on, so I jumped into the TV.

BRAVO

CHANNEL 40

Meet The Parents-4:59 p.m.
Meet The Parents was on. I got lucky. It wasn't another reality show (Housewives or Shahs of Sunset or Sundown? I don't know.)

As Ben Stiller begins to smack the volleyball in my face my mom quickly turns the channel. I was saved...She turns it to

TRAVEL CHANNEL

CHANNEL 66

-5:00 p.m.

21 hottest Caribbean escapes. I got really lucky I thought to myself. Beautiful people, massages, waves, beaches. I tried to scream at my mom from inside the TV. "Don't turn it !!!" but she couldn't hear me, no one could. Why did I do this again? Antigua sailing escape week was coming up--Caribbean's biggest party. "Noooo!!!" I screamed.

CLICK

CARTOON NETWORK

CHANNEL 64

-5:05 p.m.

Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. "Uhh, okay? It's not the beaches but it's not Disney."

"Oh hell no", my mother says. I could hear her but she couldn't hear me.

CLICK

AMC

CHANNEL 60 

-5:07 p.m.

Underworld."Fuck. Vampires. I thought to myself". Luckily it was on commercial. I was stuck in a car with screaming kids.

A La la la la Goldfish the snack that smiles back. I like Goldfish. 

 

CLICK

 

 

TCM

CHANNEL 59

-5:09 p.m.

Mr. Hobs Takes a Vacation

CLICK

Monk

CLICK

He's Just Not That Into You

CLICK

Mission Impossible. Explosion. Half of my body was blown off. "Stop Clicking !!!!!", I screamed.

CLICK

Bar Rescue. I was beginning to leave myself behind on different stations. I lost half of my leg on Spike TV. Futurama took my last arm. Comedy Central. FNC took both my neck and shoulders. Lifetime took my breasts, butt, and almost every womanly curve I had on me. All I had was my head left and that was slowly dwindling. My mom got up and left the channel on Nickelodeon. Spongebob.

NICKELODEON

CHANNEL 31

-5:22

As  Spongebob and Patrick ran around me on the screen, my head slowly disappeared. "Nooooo..." 

My father walked up to the TV. "Who left this on?"

"Nooooo!!!"

 

CLICK

OFF

 

 

Recipe For Disaster

Experimental Fiction is better suited to those who live in writing climates. The rest of us, particularly me, need to make the most of what other writing is offered, and much of the time this has to emanate from the mind. It can only emanate from the unrestricted mind rather than the academically restricted mind. Experimental Fiction, then, is an process, free falling, and ever changing.

-Lena Melton, "Forever Stuck in the World of Experimental Fiction"

Yoga Mat

1 stereo blasting Krishna Das

2 alka seltzer's

Roll out your yoga mat. To prepare to write Experimental Fiction you must be free of your mind, body, and soul. Make sure your alternative or indie music is loud enough to drown out your thoughts.The alka seltzer comes later when you realize that you've wasted two hours doing yoga when you really should have been writing this blog; And the deadline is almost up. 

*note: Add sprite to ease down the alka seltzer. Use only when needed.

 

Cat

1 pet cat 

In experimental fiction you need inspiration, The Cat. The greatest gift to God's green earth, besides Jesus of course.Kittens are God's little cupcakes. The cat is what you will write on in experimental fiction. Like the cat, you will free yourself of any human restraints. You will fly ---------------------->

*note: Do not attempt to fly, you''ll probably die. Unless in an airplane but then you could still die on an airplane. Ever seen Snakes on a Plane? Really shitty movie but a great premise. I would have liked it if they would have made it Kittens on a Plane. 

 

Creativity 

1 gallon of Jack Daniels

1 book, ANTI-STORY: An Anthology of Experimental Fiction 

1 bottle of drugs (doesn't matter what kind, use as much as needed; and trust me you will need it)

3 days of non-stop sex

 1/2 cup of DaDa techniques or Oulipo (your choice, but depending on which one you use, your piece will taste different.) Correction,scratch that out taste different read different.

A pinch of salt

10 gallons of diet caffeine free coke  ( To stay up all night AND to watch for your ulcers, You're in your twenties for God's-sakes.)

The most important step. Do not skip this step. Your piece will not work without step 3. Add all three steps and your piece will be a success.

No Restrictions

Being able to write about anything is the hardest type of assignment especially in Experimental Fiction. Experimental Fiction is hard enough at least for me anyway. You have to push the boundaries but stay inside the lines of what is grammatically correct. Unless of course you'r doing run-ons and comma splice's on purpose so that it pertains to your piece, then its okay. I ask myself how is walking zombie dounuts not pushing the boundaries enough? My brother said that maybe the dounuts should have ran around eating women, children, and babies and then it would have pushed the boundaries. I've learned one thing, never have a happy ending in experimental fiction. Happy endings don't exsist in the world of experimental fiction. Experimental Fiction is the only class in the world that makes me feel straight laced, uptight even, and not eccentric enough. This is the breaking point. This is the point where someone has to say enough is enough. I'm going to have to turn my thinking around, 360 degrees around. I look at experimental fiction as death. Every Saturday night it comes for me and haunts my dreams. I know I have to wake up on Sunday and by 10 p.m. I have to have a blog up. A blog that is provocative and long enough to show that I may actually know what I am talking about. I enter the world of experimental fiction where life is death and death is living. The clouds are on the ground and grass is in the skies. The stress. Hoping that this is the piece that makes me a good writer. Or the next one or the next one. The anixety. Hoping that this isn't the piece we read out loud. The embarressment. The embarrassment of failure in front of The Professor. Failure is not a factory installed option. Where did I hear that from? A movie ? The anguish. That I have to start all over again and hope that this time I've gotten it right. Why did I want to be a writer? Hit or Miss, Hitt or Miss. MISS-Restrictions applied.

A look Inside My Mind

The Product
Stream of consciousness lack of  (peanuts) ego. Writing down only what my (highlighter) mind is thinking. Sex, cats, dog. How can anyone write (water bottle) anything serious when you're not supposed to use your ego in Automatic Writing. Iphone, remote, underwear. I just realized how long it takes to keep the Thought Process up and focused. The pen should never leave the page, you should never re-read what you have written (towel) you should (TV) just keep writing (Sonny, Sonny, Sonny). This is actually a lot harder than writing normally. Normally meaning thinking (sauna is hot) about what you're writing instead of just streaming different (cloud) ideas like a video (Popeye's biscuit for breakfast). Online, video, Jurassic Park. I used to be scared of (foot) Jurassic Park and Jumanji as a child. I'd though (finger) the dinosaurs would (1,2,500) come after me. (Enough words) title, underline, 500 words. Sneeze ! that one hurt...My brain can't think when and after I sneeze. All I see is blank, the sneeze or the sneeze's? is done. For me, Automatic Writing is hard. This is the product, what is the process (water bottle)? 174 words, not enough. Does this Dada technique, is it suppose to open my mind to other possibilities of writing? I wonder if it's working.

The Process
I took out Alycia's notes on writing and looked at her definition of Automatic Writing, "Stream of consciousness, lack of ego of the author". I put my pen on a piece of paper  and just began to let my mind and hands do the work. I realize I get distracted very easily that's why their is a ton of random words my writing bracketed off in parenthesis. That's how my mind wanted to write it. I just kept writing until (the only time I used my ego) I felt the piece was long enough and it was finished. I went to my blog, typed it up, and for the first time I actually read through what I wrote...

Writing About Writing but Not Writing About Writing About Cats

How do you write about writing but not writing? Also, how do you write about writing without saying 'I'? Technically Lena just said 'I' so she just broke the rules. Technically, right now, Lena is writing but shes not going to write about writing shes just going to write. But then if Lena writes about cats and only cats is that writing? Yes, it's writing but it's not writing about writing it's just writing about cats. Lena could write a whole book on cats. Big cats, small cats, medium sized cats...if there is such a thing? But if Lena were to write a book about cats would you consider that a book about writing or a book about cats? Or would you consider it a book about writing about cats. Here's a sample:
There was a cat named Sonny
 Sometimes he acted really funny
 He'd fart on Lena's pillow
Then look out the window and
And hop around like a bunny.
 Lena would be writing but not about writing, she'd be writing about her cat but in writing about her cat she'd be writing but not writing about writing. WRITING.
  And also, what kind of cats would Lena write on? And what about this blog? Is this blog about cats or is it about writing, what do you think? Lena thinks it's a blog about cats but Lena's confusing that's why you can't understand her blog or her writing or her cats.

Remote Controlled Cooler

 Besides the fact that I spent around $80 just on the product, not including the shipping and handling, I couldn't even take the cooler in the pool with me. The product's image clearly shows a guy with a remote control by the pool... I expected that the cooler would be able to come in the pool..needless to say I was highly disappointed. Not to mention I had to buy another cooler because my original cooler stopped working while I was in the pool. I was also disappointed that I had to reach into the cooler to get my drink..the product is called an "interactive toy" well my toy must be broken because it totally didn't interact with me. It didn't hand me my drink, nor did it offer me what kinds of drinks it had in the cooler. I also found it wasn't as handy as I'd thought it'd be. I'm an elementary school teacher and I brought the cooler with me to school in the hopes that I could have a beer or two while the kids go on recess. Well because of the remote control aspect of the cooler, while I was out the kids snuck into my classroom and started to play with it. They eventually discovered what was inside and drank all off my beer (beer is expensive on my teachers salary). Now I'm under arrest for negligence and providing alcohol to minors. I am out now on parole. Thanx Remote Controlled Cooler, for ruining my life. Overall I give this cooler 2 out of five stars.